My Meditation Journey
My meditation journey is far more sporadic than I realized. Over the past 10 years, I’ve tried sitting with myself in various ways but it wasn’t until the pandemic and a couple of welcoming communities that I took meditation seriously and saw its benefits.
As I’ve mentioned in my work experience at the Los Angeles Conscious Life Expo, I grew up around many metaphysical ways of thinking but I thought meditation was some distant subtle thing that was nice to do and if I was familiar with its benefits then that was practically knowing it for myself.
Since meditation is about the whole self, talking about my meditation journey will inevitably include my past traumas. I’ve avoided talking about my health circumstances so as to not disturb the relaxing waters of Spa Research but sharing may help connect to anyone who has undergone stress.
In 2012 my body started experiencing Crohn’s disease, an auto-immune disease of the digestive system. I was prescribed strong medication to stabilize it but in 2014 I experienced a debilitating flare-up where everything I ate resulted in relentless bloody diarrhea. I was alone and in so much pain, feeling terrified and lost with a looming sense of doom.
More medication could only do so much so in a state of desperation, I started meditating. On my bed, against the wall, I sat crosslegged with my eyes closed and set a timer for 20 minutes. The first thing I noticed was my emotions, so much of my bitterness was surfacing and it was uncomfortable to sit with. I felt anxious, ugly, and unfamiliar with myself. Why would I want to experience more unpleasantness? It was too much for me to unpack alone so after a few tries, I found distractions in societal goals like work, college, and moving in with a boyfriend. These actions helped me in my helplessness as much as they could but I wouldn’t call that fair or responsible.
In 2016 I started working at a women’s spa where I learned the traditions of sauna cycles. This work environment was a constant reminder to keep calm, relaxed, and love my body. I began to witness the effects of rest and meditation when clients would come in grumpy from their day, traffic, and general stresses, and exit in total bliss, feeling capable and strong.
At Burning Man, I felt free to be myself. I remember one of the last days when the general vibe was packing up and saying goodbyes, the sun was setting in blossoming pinks and oranges and I decided the sit on a lone pallet and soak up the environement. I wasn’t listening to my thoughts this time, I was holding this setting in my mind: the smells, the chatter, the distant music, the dust in the air. Meditation like this is like a memory checkpoint for me.
While I was at school for Interior Architecture, I started working at a float center and as most float staff will attest to, being at a float spa doesn’t exactly inspire a constant float practice. On a good month, I would float maybe once or twice but with the busy school schedule, an hour felt like a huge sacrifice. I would stumble into more pressing anxieties that I wasn’t addressing like properly feeding myself to avoid an emotional breakdown. I didn’t attend to those needs until I had time during the pandemic.
In 2020 I began to look inward. I spent time with my interests in reading and drawing and grew to learn about beauty and skincare, macroeconomics, and home economics. I started to track my budget and eating habits, pay attention to what causes stomach aches and acne, and work on easing my food-related anxieties. The pandemic was a blessing in disguise. Each morning my brain would still buzz with a checklist but there was no need to rush so this time I structured a meditation routine. I set a timer for 60 minutes and watched my mind settle, organize, and reassure itself that I am capable of getting through tough times.
Towards the end of 2020, I sifted through my thoughts enough to remember what my body was missing, a float. By that time, Float Seattle was able to open its doors and I jumped into my 100 hr practice, not realizing how much I would actually benefit from it. At first, it was easier for me to rationalize this investment by going every day for two hours but after a while, I looked forward to floating, and the anxiety of losing an hour or two seemed so silly. Don’t you know that time slows down when you meditate?
Floating doesn’t feel the same as sitting in my room for an hour. I relax a lot deeper, travel a lot further, and I come out blissful. Nonetheless, I was incorporating meditation into my life and my mind, emotions, and physical stresses were gradually upgrading.
It’s difficult to explain the benefits of meditation classes at the Mindry because it simply improves how I see myself. I can manage Crohn’s without its overbearing dread, deter negative energy, and pour positive energy into my personal goals. With this kind of life hack, I can now show up for myself and manifest a life that is within my power.
January 5, 2023
